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How To Be Happy: Forget your troubles? Easier sung than done!

Posted on October 4, 2010 by Lauren

Remember the Judy Garland song that goes, “Forget your troubles! C’mon get happy!”?

It’s a great tune if you want to get up and dance. But as advice goes, it’s pretty lousy.

Don't forget your troubles. Take care of them.

First of all, it’s scarce on details. Forget your troubles? How does one even begin to do such a thing? Our troubles are staring us right in the face. It’s like forgetting the elephant in the room. Lost your job? Forget about it. Sick children? What do you care? Get happy!

And also, is forgetting your troubles really such a wise thing to do? Is it compassionate towards oneself or others to simply deny painful realities in order to feel good? I can hardly imagine that walking up to someone who is facing foreclosure on their house and breaking into a tap dance would actually make them feel anything but bewildered and misunderstood.

So it’s no wonder that happiness sometimes gets a bad rap. It seems like a denial of some of the most painful realities of life. We think that happiness is possible only in the absence of trouble. Well if this were the case, then happiness is an impossibility and happy people are delusional dreamers at best.

But I want to propose that happiness does not require us to forget, deny, or glaze over our troubles with superficial sweetness. Pain is a part of life. All the same it is possible to be deeply happy, even in the midst of our troubles.

How is that so?

Five years ago, I had the profound experience of being with my father when he passed away. My brother and his wife were with me at the time. My father had been in a coma for two days. His organs were failing, and one by one, his systems were shutting down. All the same, we held his hands and stroked his forehead. We spoke to him. We told him how much we loved him. How much we would miss him. As we watched the heart monitor becoming more erratic, our tearful eyes met. We knew that we had just minutes left with him. The attending nurses stopped in from time to time and put a hand gently on our shoulders and offered us kind reassurance that even though the passage was imminent, it would be peaceful and comfortable. And when the monitor finally showed a flat line, my brother and my sister-in-law and I held each other and wept.

Was this painful? Deeply. Was it joyful? Not at all.

Was I happy? Yes. I was happy.

I was happy to have the opportunity to be with my father in his final moments. I was happy to be with my brother and my sister-in-law, who are both such loving individuals. I was happy to have people who were close to me who could support me through this painful separation from someone I loved so much. I was happy that we were surrounded by such competent and compassionate professionals who could guide us through this difficult and mysterious process. I was happy for the ability to weep and to be consoled in the wake of my father’s passing.

Yes, I cried. I cried until my eyes were swollen and I could barely catch my breath. But I also smiled. In the midst of this trouble, there was so much to be grateful for. There were so many gifts of the heart to give and to receive. And to be alive and aware of the gifts we are given, even in the worst kind of troubles, that is reason to celebrate. That is reason to be happy.

So, don’t forget your troubles.

But, c’mon . . . get happy.

Posted in be calm, be happy, be healing, be light, be wise | 2 Comments

How To Be Patient: Rethinking Red Lights

Posted on September 10, 2010 by Lauren

When I was little, I used to love traffic signals. I loved the way they kept our car rides interesting by punctuating otherwise tedious trips with spontaneous, colorful light shows. I loved how they glowed at night like magical beacons in the darkness. I enjoyed the way they blinked and winked, like friendly robots that guarded our passage from home, to school, to store, and back.

A red light can still be a beautiful thing if you choose to see it that way.

It did not escape me that Mr. Rogers, who lived in the most magical house in the friendliest neighborhood in the world, had his very own traffic signal in his living room. I was decidedly envious. I often imagined having one in my own bedroom – I’d have the best night light in my preschool class.

Of the three colors of traffic signals, I loved red the most. I especially appreciated how on rainy days, red lights would turn the raindrops on our car’s windshield into thousands of glimmering red rubies.

I can’t say that I have the same relationship to red lights now. Mostly I see red lights as frustrating automatons whose sole purpose is to make me five minutes late for dentist appointments, business meetings, and parent-teacher conferences. I have sat at many a red light, drumming my fingers impatiently on my steering wheel, pleading for a green light: “C’mon, c’mon, c’mon . . . ”

When I was a child, a red light was a source of great happiness. Now that I am an adult, a red light feels like an obstruction to my happiness. But the light itself is the same. It has not changed. It’s me that has transformed.

You might say that my thinking as a child was magical. I mean, really: a Buick Sedan being magically transfomed into a ruby-encrusted princess carriage by glowing red raindrops? Okay, admittedly it’s a fantasy. A trick of an immature and fanciful mind. But is it any less fantastic to believe that by begging a light to turn from red to green (and even telling it where I need to go and what time I need to be there?) that I could make it show mercy and change for my personal benefit?

Traci Teudhope, host of Ready, Set, Learn at WQLN of Northwestern Pennsylvania on the set of Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood smiling at Mr. Rogers' traffic light.

My point is this – anything you perceive can be a gateway to happiness or an obstruction to it.

The phone call that interrupts your work: is it ridiculous impediment to your workflow or an opportunity to practice patience, discernment, and compassionate communication? The child who breaks a vase playing ball in the house: is she a testament of your parenting practice gone awry or is she the opportunity to develop a deeper and more reflective parenting practice — to be more patient, more understanding, in your discipline and more forgiving in the wake of human error? Is a red light your signal to pound your dashboard while your heart pounds with fury at the delay or is it your signal to breathe deeply and smile at the beauty of the color red and the miracle of electricity. One reaction is no more ridiculous than the other. So, you choose.

Every moment is your teacher. Every person and object we encounter gives us the opportunity to deepen our understanding of life and or practice of being human. It is our choice to perceive the moment as barring the way to our happiness or pointing our way to it.

Posted in be calm, be light, be present, be relaxed, be wise | Comments Off

How To Be Grateful: “One of these days” … My philosophy of parenting

Posted on August 24, 2010 by Lauren

One of these days . . .

One of these days my house will be clean.

I will not find dirty socks stuffed between the couch cushions because it is apparently too far to walk to the hamper. I will not have to muffle a cry of pain in the middle of the night because I stepped on a particularly sharp Lego on my way to the bathroom. I will not call out the words, “Who left the milk out?” only be answered with blank stares and innocent shrugs.

One of these days my floors will be spotless.

dirty socks on the floor can be keys to happiness

Dirty socks might just be the keys to happiness.

I will not follow muddy footprints from the door to the couch and find the culprit lounging with a volume of “Calvin and Hobbes” comics, giggling to himself, with not a care in the world. I will not find my feet sticking to abandoned apple juice spills in the kitchen. I will not walk around with damp socks because someone left puddles all over the bathroom floor after a shower.

One of these days I will be caught up with the laundry.

I will not have to lecture someone who threw her clean clothes into the dirty clothes basket when I asked her to pick clothing up off the floor. I will not have to scratch my head and wonder how we wound up with twenty-three single socks. I will not have to have to answer the question, “Mom, have you seen my (sweater, gym shorts, jersey, tights, ball cap, jacket)?” with “Did you look in your room?”

One of these days I will not begin every other sentence with “Did you . . . “

Did you brush your teeth? Did you pack your lunch? Did you finish your homework? Did you walk the dog? Did you take out the trash? Did you write that thank you note? Did you really say that? Did you say you were sorry?

One of these days not every other sentence I hear will begin with “Momcanyou . . . “

“Momcanyou help me with my homework?” “Momcanyou help me find my library book?” “Momcanyou drive me to the mall?” “Momcanyou make some cookies for the bake sale?” “Momcanyou give me a dollar? I hear the ice cream truck coming up the street!”

One of these days . . .

I will not spend my days grumbling about how if I want to get anything done, I need to do it myself. One of these days I will not rub my temples and wonder how anyone can sleep with such a huge pile of clothes and toys on their bed. One of these days I’ll be able to sit in peace and quiet read a whole magazine article without being interrupted by “Momcanyou?” or “Momhaveyouseen?” or “Momwatchthis!”

One of these days . . .

One of these days my nest will be empty. And I’ll miss the joyful racket of little birds that have flown.

So today I embrace the chaos as a vital indicator of our miraculous lives in motion. Today I see the laundry as a signal that my children are healthy and growing and seizing the day. Today I acknowledge that the dirty floors are a sign of many happy footsteps. And today I know that all the “Did you’s” and “Can you’s” are a signal of our loving responsibility to one another.

Today, I smile with gratitude at the messiness of it all.

Because one of these days my house will be clean. And they will be gone.

Posted in be attuned, be blessed, be calm, be grateful, be happy, be nurturing, be patient, be relaxed, be wise | 2 Comments

How To Be Strong: Resist Those Purchases that promise you happiness

Posted on August 24, 2010 by Lauren

These past few months I have been working madly to de-clutter our home. Actually, not madly. Mindfully. Or maybe it is a bit of both. I have been trying to find some breathing room within it, both literally and figuratively. It has been a real period of reckoning for me and for my family.

After months of sorting through drawers, cabinets, closets, and boxes, I ended up taking three trips in our van to Goodwill, two trips to the recycling center, threw away multiple bags of items that were of no use to anyone, and staged two yard sales.

Right before our second yard sale, I stood and took stock of all the stuff that sat in piles on our porch waiting to be offered for sale to friends and neighbors, I realized that everything in that hip-high pile had once made me some promise of happiness. True happiness.

I do not want to say that none of those items ever brought me a moment of pleasure. That would be untrue. Many of them did bring me pleasure for a while. But true happiness? No. Any item that promised me true happiness could never have fulfilled it. And that is a truth that it has taken me a long while to learn.

Lipgloss or life saver: You decide.

This is my little tale about walking away from a certain cosmetic item that was promising more than it could possibly deliver. We’ve all had this experience. Maybe with cosmetics. Maybe with clothing. Maybe with a beer. Or a boat. Or a candy bar. Or a new house.

There’s always something promising us happiness, if only we pony up and shell it out. But true happiness can only be found within. No purchase, large or small can create true happiness. And once we see this, we can be free.

I am taking a risk here. That you will think I am shallow. Or vain. Or both. How could I be so deeply involved in a struggle with a tube of lip gloss? Well, this is really about how something so superficial can lure us into an inner dialogue about our deepest needs. To be seen. To be loved. To belong. To be embraced. To be happy.

And that is not shallow. That is elemental to all of us.

So if you see yourself in this little dialogue, take heart. You are not shallow. Or vain. You are human. So am I.

The other day I was in Target returning a pair of shorts for my oldest son.

And it called to me.

A pretty pink tube of lip gloss.

And not just any lip gloss. Lip gloss that changes color on your lips. Lips gloss that transforms from clear to pink when it touches your skin.

Buy me, it said.

My inner teenager was awakened within my heart. I took a couple of steps closer.

I dabbed a bit on my finger and touched it to my lips. And just as it had promised, it turned a lovely shade of pink before my eyes.

You look younger, it told me.

I shook my head and put it back on the shelf. I am 46 years old, I told the lip gloss. No one would mistake me for a teenager. I don’t need it.

But you’ll be happier, it insisted. People will find you more attractive. You’ll be admired. You’ll be surrounded by people who’ll find you irresistible. You’ll feel loved and wanted. You’ll never be alone.

You’re a lip gloss, I told it. I have other lip glosses. They’ve all promised me youth. Attractiveness. Happiness. But mostly they just made my lips shinier. Some of them made my lips another color. But none of them made me happy. Not one lived up to that promise.

I’m different, it said. I’m the real deal. You can throw away all your other lip glosses. All your makeup really. And every shred of clothing that you ever thought would bring you real contentment. They’re all impostors. I’m it. I’m the key. Happiness in a tube. Just pick me up. Walk me over to the cash register. Hand the lady $20. And you’ll be set for life. You’ll be youthful. Alluring. You’ll never be lonely or uncomfortable again. I’ve got everything you’ve ever wanted. That’s a bargain for $20. Trust me.

You’re a fraud, I told it. If happiness could fit into a tube, wouldn’t everyone in this store be clambering for you. You’re after me. You know me. You know my weaknesses. You know my insecurities. I’m not buying it. And I’m definitely not buying you.

Your loss! it yelled after me. Someone else will buy me! They’ll be the beautiful one! They’ll be the happy one!

As I rounded the corner to walk out the door, I heard it whisper seductively to another passing customer: I promise. I’m perfect for you. Why, you look happier already . . .

Posted in be courageous, be focused, be happy, be light, be strong | Comments Off

Happy Kindness Day!

Posted on August 11, 2010 by Lauren Rosenfeld

Kindness is an energy that is passed along like a treasured heirloom from one person to the next. We are able to offer kindness because we have been offered kindnesses from others. Yet, there are times that we are not able to find the energy for kindness within ourselves, because we feel that we have been denied basic kindness for so long. We go looking for kindness in our hearts, yet we feel there is none there to give.

Every kindness you have ever been offered is like a gift you store in your heart

Every kindness you have ever been offered is like a gift you store in your heart.Today, imagine that it is your special day: it’s Kindness Day. You are sitting on the floor surrounded by packages of kindnesses of all sizes: Small kindnesses like smiles from strangers, directions that were offered when you were lost, groceries that were dropped and retrieved in a store’s parking lot; medium kindnesses like casseroles that were delivered when you were sick, the neighbor who watched your kids when you had to run to a meeting; the sibling who let you use their toy when yours was broken; large, magnanimous kindnesses like the love of a grandparent, the family that offered you shelter when your income was lost, the community that donated everything you needed when all your possessions were lost in a fire of flood. And then there are the kindnesses offered by ancestors: wisdom and folkways that strengthen the heart. There are kindnesses offered by nature: beautiful sunsets, gentle breezes, and delicate spring flowers.

One by one you open these gifts, and as you unwrap them and open the flaps of each box, the light of that kindness pours out and touches your heart, simultaneously strengthening it and softening it. Filling it to brimming with happiness and generosity.

Kindnesses that are offered are never lost. We just sometimes lose touch with them. When we open the gifts of kindness on Kindness Day, we will be able to stand with gratitude in the midst of these gifts, walk out into the world and offer the gift of kindness to everyone on our path.

Happy Kindness Day to you!

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How To Be Unburdened: Give Your Complaints a Little Trim

Posted on August 10, 2010 by Lauren

Am I burdened? Or am I blessed?

I have a house to clean. I have children to shuttle around. I have a job that needs to be attended to. I have money that I am not managing as well as I could. I have tons friends I just can’t seem to keep up with. There are times when I feel I can barely keep my head above water. It’s not a comfortable feeling.

Yesterday, I was going to get on Facebook and gripe about how busy I was.

Trimming your complaints lets you see the blessings beneath

But then I stopped and realized that if I remove the second half of each of those complaints, I am left with the following true statements:

I have a house. I have children. I have a job. I have money. I have tons of friends.

What am I complaining about? These are not burdens. These are blessings.

Yes, I am busy. And yes, there are times I feel overwhelmed. But if I am mindful, I realize that the reason I am so busy is that I am blessed with so many amazing people and opportunities. Can it be overwhelming? Yes, sometimes it feels overwhelming. But would I want the opposite? No job? No friends? No family? No money? No home?

It’s often the case that when we complain, we are actually complaining about blessings.

When I shared this thought with a friend recently, she offered that she had too much work to do. She remarked that if she removed either half of that statement, she was left with either the statement “I have too much,” or “I have work.” You could definitely do worse.

When my children’s hair get’s a little too long, I can’t see their faces beneath the curtain of hair that has grown over their bright and shining eyes. It’s not that their eyes have disappeared; it’s just that they are covered. A simple trim and suddenly I can see their eyes and gaze into them and smile at them once again.

Trimming our complaints like this allows us to see the blessing shining from behind the burden.

Give your complaints a little trim and see the blessing within.

Posted in be blessed, be happy, be light | Comments Off

How to be Present to Beauty: A Memory

Posted on August 6, 2010 by Lauren

All I wanted was a little peace and quiet. A moment alone. I longed for the kind of happiness that a little self-imposed solitude might bring. And I had it all set up just as I had envisioned it: A cup of tea in my hands. A novel (enthusiastically recommended by a friend) sitting temptingly on the coffee table just beside me. The pillows on the couch supporting my back just so. And music cued up on the stereo. Something soft and dreamy with a sweet vocal accompaniment that sung of hope and light.

I settled myself in. Just right. It was just as I had imagined a happy moment might be. I was totally prepared to be happy. It was just one deep exhale away.

beautiful in hand - be present to see it

When happiness walks through your door, embrace it.

And then. BANG! The front door slammed open, sprang back from its own force and slammed shut twice as loudly. “MOM!” four small voices exclaimed at once. Immediately my brows knit together and my shoulders flew up towards my ears. “Mom, look what we found!” Our children came tearing into the living room – a laughing, foot stamping, mud trampling crew, eyes ablaze with some new discovery.

I held up my hand at arm’s length, palm out, like a vigilant crossing guard. I frowned. The happy moment I had long envisioned was crumbling like so many dried mud clods. “Your shoes,” I admonished them, “Look at your shoes.” They looked down at their feet, shrugged, kicked off their shoes, and quickly moved toward me once again, smiling hopefully. I shook my head and rubbed the two lines that were forming between my brows. I strained to hear the lovely music playing on the stereo, but could barely detect it over the sound of my temples throbbing. “Please put your shoes by the door before you take another step. Do you know how long it took me to clean this room up?” They looked at one another, picked up their shoes and lumbered back toward the door. But instead of placing their shoes down and tiptoeing back to me (as proper respect would demand), they sadly put their shoes back on and began to walk back out the door.

Now I was at the edge of fury. Not only had my peace and happiness been utterly destroyed by this interruption, now they were going to walk out without even telling me what they had come in to tell me in the first place. Could this get worse? “What?!” I asked, “What is it that is so important that you can’t even take the time to put your shoes by the door? And is it that much to ask for a moment of peace?”

“Never mind,” said the youngest as he gingerly shut the door beside him.

I took a deep breath, trying to restore my calm. But the moment had passed. My nerves were frayed and the moment of calm, peaceful happiness I had envisioned had passed. Oh, well – I thought dejectedly – I might as well get some reading in. And as I reached for the novel on the coffee table, I saw it. The first flower of spring. A daffodil. A bright yellow flower, as hopeful as a child’s smile, sitting on the coffee table next to some fresh muddy fingerprints.

Happiness had come careening into my life like a wild and fresh spring rainstorm and I had shooed it away because of some stale, airless notion of happiness that I thought would shelter me from that very life-giving force.

How often does this happen to us? Our idea of happiness blinds us to the real happiness that is holding out a flower to us?

We must take great care in our lives, that in pursuing the elusive butterfly of happiness, we do not trample the garden of happiness that is right under our feet.

Posted in be attuned, be blessed, be delighted, be happy, be openhearted, be present | Comments Off

How To Be Reconciled: Finding common ground

Posted on August 3, 2010 by Lauren

My husband and I are soul mates. We’re best friends.

And from time to time, we fight. Because we’re human. And because sometimes we just feel like we’re right and the other person’s blatantly wrong and unconscionably inconsiderate. I’m sure you know the feeling.

In one of our recent arguments, I found myself trying to get him to see my point. And my point was that he was being selfish. And I was not going to rest until he saw the crystal clarity of my logic and admitted his thoughtless error. I think his point was the same, but in his mind I was the transgressor. I honestly don’t remember the context of the argument, which just goes to show how important it was. But it seemed pretty important at the time. So important, in fact, that I was refusing to give an inch.

In the middle of the argument, I remembered a technique for reconciliation that we had learned on a meditation retreat. And the premise was simple: tell the person you with whom you are arguing three things you appreciate about them.

But wait, I thought, if I tell this man that he is generous and thoughtful and kind (which he is!), then what happens to my core argument that he is being selfish? That is the very grounds for my argument. And if I tell him he is generous and thoughtful and kind — well then — I lose my precious ground. It just disintegrates under my feet!

And so? What is so precious about that ground? It’s a pretty nasty place to be standing: a harsh and unforgiving landscape. Arid and punishing. And lonely to boot.

Wouldn’t it be better to step off that righteous little piece of territory and find the broader common ground where love blossoms?

When I thought of it that way, the choice was clear. Give up my ground and meet my husband in the fertile field in which we can plant seeds of understanding and compassion.

Posted in be caring, be loving, be openhearted, Videos | Comments Off

How To Be Relaxed: Don’t give in to “Prepositional Panic”

Posted on August 1, 2010 by Lauren

I suffer intermittently from a widely suffered yet rarely diagnosed syndrome. It’s called Prepositional Panic. I thought I might describe the symptoms to you so that in case you suffer from the same ailment, you might seek treatment for your symptoms.

diagram illustrating prepositions above below behind under over

Those darned prepositions!

Those who suffer from Prepositional Panic might find that they suffer from a racing of the heart, feelings of nausea, and an overwhelming sensation of exhaustion when they utter the following sentences including these key prepositional phrases:

I need to get on top of my work
I have to put this in back of me
I need to get through this
I’m falling behind in . . .
I’m under a lot of pressure
I’m in over my head
I can’t seem to get ahead of . . .

So why does panic arise when we who suffer from Prepositional Panic say these words to ourselves or others? Well, think about it. In all of these statements you are saying that you are either scrambling to get to the top, racing to get to the front, being crushed by something, or being defeated by something. You are pushing, pulling, climbing, falling, and generally losing a battle. It’s no wonder your heart is palpitating!

But stop for a moment and ask yourself? Where is the top? Where is the front? Where is the resting point? Even if you make it to the front of the pack, won’t someone or something pass you if you stop and rest to take stock of your lead position? Even if you are at the proverbial “top of the world” won’t you eventually have to make the trek downward?

The point is that there is no actual point at which we are “on top”, where everything is “behind us”, where are “ahead”. It is an imaginary point that exists only in our heads. And it is constantly shifting so that even when we finally make it to the place where we imagined we would be, we find that Prepositional Panic begins to emerge and we begin to worry about the next imagined point of completion.

We are like the mythological Sisyphus who is fated to spend eternity pushing a boulder to the top of a mountain, only to have it roll back to the bottom just as he approaches the top. It is a kind of self-imposed torment.

In Buddhist teaching, we are told that there is no above and no below. And the discrimination between the two is a cause of great suffering.

Let’s put it in layperson’s terms. I have four children. And there is a lot of laundry to do. I sometimes am under the impression that I need to get “to the bottom” of my laundry pile. As soon as I have this thought, the Prepositional Panic sets in. I try to “get through” the laundry. And with a feeling of pressure in my head and a heaviness in my heart, I make my way through the laundry. And just when I empty our the last hamper, the final towel is folded and the final single sock finds its partner . . . another piece of dirty laundry arrives in the hamper. And the very sound of that piece of laundry hitting the bottom of the hamper triggers feelings of resentment, exhaustion, and futility. And so the short-lived victorious feeling of “being on top of my laundry” or “getting to the bottom of the pile” (you see? it really is arbitrary: when I am done am I “on the top” or “at the bottom”? How can I be both at once?) is replaced once again by Prepositional Panic symptoms. I am a modern-day Sisyphus pushing my imaginary boulder up a mountain of dirty clothes.

So what’s the cure for those of us who suffer from this insidious syndrome? It’s a new habit. A simple mantra. When we find ourselves saying those prepositional phrases and then begin to feel the pressure in the head, the nausea rising, and the hear palpitations setting in – take a breath and repeat this ancient wisdom:

There is no above. There is no below. There is no before. There is no after. There is only this moment. And this moment is eternal.

And when in doubt . . . be like Buddha, not like Sisyphus. It’s much more relaxing.

Posted in be calm, be happy, be healing, be light, be present, be relaxed | 1 Comment

Visualize Your Heart as a Flower

Posted on July 30, 2010 by Lauren Rosenfeld

Close your eyes and imagine the bud of a flower in your heart. It can be any flower you choose, one you have seen in nature or one you invent in your mind’s eye. Imagine this bud tightly closed, waiting for just the right conditions to manifest.

Your heart is like a flower . . .

Your heart is like a flower . . . First imagine this flower touched by gentle rains. Feel the softness and refreshing nature of this rain as it falls on the flower. Feel the flower touched with the gentle encouragement of each small drop.

Now imagine this bud being warmed by the gentle rays of the sun. Feel the warmth of that sun within you, spreading throughout your body — drawing the focus of warmth to your heart. Feel the flower within begin to unfurl, each lovely petal presenting itself like a gift of beauty to the world.

This is the flower of your heart. It is an offering of true beauty to the world. Smile with gratitude to the flower within.